Confessions of a Millionaire's Mistress Read online

  I didn’t sleep much during what was left of that night. I was so confused. I needed space, which was impossible when we were sharing a bed. When I finally drifted off to sleep the sun was creeping in through the closed curtains, and a tear fell down my cheek before the world faded to darkness.

  #Twenty-eighthConfession

  #COAMMPlaylist

  ‘Burn’

  Mia Rose

  A night of broken sleep never agrees with me. Lying on the opposite side of the bed to Hugh, through the night I had attempted to put as much distance between us as I could. Just as I finally drifted off to sleep I felt my arm being yanked and my body was limply dragged towards him. In my semi-unconscious state I found it almost irritating. He had no idea what I had been tormenting myself with all night as he slept soundlessly beside me, and here I was again being woken up at the most inconvenient time.

  I allowed him to pull me close to him and wrap his arms around my naked body, but I attempted to remain limp and I didn’t dare to open my eyes. I knew that if I did—if I showed any sign of being awake—that I would have to face the morning with a smile and push the ever-growing concerns from my mind. I could no longer ignore the feeling that something was off between us. I knew that he loved me, but I could also feel myself resenting him for the pressure he was putting on me without even realising it.

  As I lay silently in bed with Hugh’s arms wrapped tightly and protectively around my waist, I could feel his breath in my ear as he whispered to me.

  ‘I meant what I said, I will prove myself to you, Ava. Just give me the chance.’ As he spoke these words I found myself shuddering from the inside out. I felt my heart race and didn’t risk moving.

  I couldn’t help but think of the irony: when he wasn’t sharing anything I was petrified of losing what we had and basically threw myself at him, but then there were times when he gave me as much as he was able to and I couldn’t run fast or far enough away.

  I swallowed hard and squeezed my eyes shut tighter in the hope of blinking back the impending tears that were threatening to give away my deepest feelings and fears. I was more confused than ever about our situation, and all I wanted was to escape into a dark hole as his words reverberated in my head. I felt as though I was losing myself in the transition from girl to woman, and not just any woman: the type of woman I had vowed never to become—a mistress.

  As the realisation of my choice set in I felt my stomach stir, I felt bile rise but my throat was too dry and swallowing only made it worse. I lurched forward, sat bolt upright, threw the covers (and Hugh’s arms) off me and jumped out of bed before bolting to the bathroom, slamming the door and locking it. I tried to catch my breath, steadying myself against the marble bench, but it made me feel worse, and before I could stop myself I was leaning over the toilet retching. Hugh’s whispered words replayed in my mind and each time my stomach lurched a wave of nausea flooded my body. I felt myself burning up as the sweat began to gather on my neck and forehead. Hot tears burned down my cheeks as the memories began to flood in.

  As I closed my eyes I saw the women from his past we had run into, I saw the intensity and passion floating between us whenever we were in sync, I felt the split-second panic every time he touched me, I felt the yoyo of emotional torture as the distance grew and retracted between us on a regular basis, and then finally I saw the image that pushed me over the edge: Hayley, Hugh’s wife. Her face crept into my head and before I knew it my sight began to spin out of control, my mind and soul felt as though they were splitting in two and I couldn’t stop the images and feelings from breaking through my barriers, making me feel like I was in a never-ending merry-go-round, until I felt the dull blow to my head as I hit the marble floor and curled into a ball, silently crying and biting my fist to stop the screams from escaping my mouth. My conscience had kicked in again . . . I could no longer ignore the one person who would forever stand in the way of my happiness, my future, my hopes and dreams.

  Hayley’s image was imprinted on my memory and no matter what I did I couldn’t get rid of her. I felt so confused, conflicted and unsure of which direction to take. No matter what the choice was I would find myself in a place I wasn’t ready to handle, but this place I was in right now was my own version of hell—my guilt was eating me alive and I had no idea what to do. I was so lost, I truly wasn’t sure if I would ever get up from the cold hard floor that seemed to be the only thing holding me together but I still feared that at any moment it would open up and the world would swallow me whole.

  I had been so numb to the reality surrounding me, confusion poisoning my very existence, and consumed by my guilt and love for Hugh that I hadn’t even heard him pounding on the bathroom door, yelling out my name, until after he had broken the lock on the door and burst into the bathroom. He swooped down and collected me in his arms, and his eyes filled with tears as the panic set in that something was seriously wrong. He yanked my white silk robe down from the back of the door and put it on me, gently lifting my limp body as he placed each of my arms in the sleeves and tied it gently around my waist. I felt like an outsider looking down on this situation. I could see it so plainly from above but I was trapped inside my love for him and I just couldn’t see a clear path. He dragged me back into his arms as he repositioned himself sitting on the floor. I continued to stare at the wall tiles, not registering anything that was happening around or to me. My walls had gone up and nothing but focusing on the safety of that barrier mattered. Behind the wall I was safe. No one was getting in . . . not even Hugh.

  ‘Ava, I don’t understand what’s going on, but please tell me what to do. I knew something was off last night. It’s not like you to go down without a fight. I feel like I’m losing you and I have no idea what to do. I’m so fucking scared. Please, Ava, tell me what to do . . . I can’t lose you!’

  I heard every word, I felt every quiver in his voice, and as much as I was desperate to fix this situation I couldn’t muster the strength. I could feel the exhaustion taking over. I let my head loll back and moments later my eyes followed until I met his and I saw just how genuinely broken he was inside. Just before I drifted off I gathered the last pieces of energy I had left to fight for what I wanted most and let the last tear roll down my cheek as I whispered almost inaudibly, breathlessly speaking the only words I had left, for the very first time while he was awake, before giving in to the exhaustion and falling asleep . . .

  ‘I love you, Hugh.’

  #Twenty-ninthConfession

  #COAMMPlaylist

  ‘How Long Will I Love You’

  Ellie Goulding

  When I woke up a few hours later I found myself even more exhausted than I imagined possible. I felt as though I had woken from a horrible nightmare and was terrified of facing the situation with Hugh. I wasn’t sure what I would be waking up to, which only fuelled my fears. I was wrapped in his arms in the warmth and safety of the bed, and I could tell by his heavy breathing that he was fast asleep. My mind kept replaying the sequence of events that had played out earlier that morning; everything was still a little fuzzy, making it all feel surreal. I wasn’t ready to move but I felt a level of calmness in the air that made it easier for me to breathe. I had told him I loved him but I couldn’t recall if he had heard me, and until I had the courage to say it while we were both conscious I wasn’t planning on bringing it up again.

  After a few moments of peace I felt the need to get up and stretch my legs, which felt numb and constricted by the bed sheets. I knew it probably wasn’t a good idea to move but I also knew that I needed a little head space. I was afraid of releasing from the safety of Hugh’s arms, but the time had come to try to stand on my own two feet. I slowly began to move, trying not to wake him but failing miserably.

  ‘Ava,’ he whispered so softly it made me still, sending shivers down my spine.

  ‘I’m okay. I just really need a shower,’ I responded, feeling the quiver in my voice take over.

  ‘Please don’t do this,’ he said tight
ening his grip on me.

  ‘I just need a few minutes,’ I replied, still facing away from him so my eyes didn’t give me away.

  He didn’t push it any further. His eyes seared into the back of me as I carefully sat up and placed my feet on the floor, praying that my legs wouldn’t give way, that I wouldn’t collapse.

  After easing myself off the edge of the bed I caught my balance by focusing on taking one step at a time. I made my way to the bathroom and once inside I closed the door before remembering that I couldn’t lock it. I stood for a few minutes against the cold hard wood with my eyes closed, trying to gather my thoughts as they scattered around my head.

  A few minutes later I found myself in the shower letting the icy-cold water pierce my skin. Although my head was still a mess I knew that I needed to pull it together until I was on my own. With Hugh around I couldn’t focus, I couldn’t find my way. I was so tangled up in my love for him that I couldn’t think clearly and I didn’t want to break down again—so, I had to get out of there without him knowing anything was wrong.

  When I finally emerged almost an hour later I was shaking on the inside. As I turned the corner into the bedroom I caught a glimpse of Hugh lying across the bed, hugging my pillow. His bare torso was flexed as he tightened his hold on my pillow in his sleep. I leaned against the wall and watched him, feeling my heart melt. This moment in time was exactly where I wanted to stay. The chaos that had plagued me earlier seemed to slip away as I watched him sleep peacefully.

  I packed as quietly as I could and dressed quickly before leaning over the bed to kiss his forehead, careful not to wake him. As I turned to pick up my phone from the bedside table I felt his arm wrap around my stomach and pull me back down on to the bed. As soon as my head hit the pillow he climbed on top of me, his mouth enclosed around mine, and the sudden rush of passion burning inside reminded me of all the amazing times we had shared.

  As he pulled away, neither one of us wanted to break the connection. We both feared what came next; I knew he would be overseas for a while and wanted to make each moment we were together count. I looked him in the eyes as he leaned over me, and I realised that there was nothing I needed to say, because we were already saying it. I pulled myself up, wrapped my hands around the sides of his face and kissed his forehead before resting my forehead on his. I then extracted myself from his grip and slid off the bed, grabbing my bags and heading for the door.

  He followed me out and leaned against the doorframe. As I crossed the threshold he grabbed my wrist, stopping me abruptly.

  ‘I love you, Ava,’ he said, the softness in his voice showing he was resigned to the fact that I was fragile and yet still wouldn’t tell him why. I knew it was killing him, but there was really nothing more that I could do.

  •

  I sat in the car silently, looking out the window and feeling my heart shattering into little pieces as I saw the hotel disappear around the corner.

  I had fallen down, and even though I couldn’t pick myself up I refused to let him help me find my way. My biggest fear was that he would set me on my feet again and without realising it he would then rip the rug out from underneath me—my fragile heart couldn’t take it anymore. Part of me longed for the days when I knew nothing more than fun and infatuation, before the complexities of love awakened in my heart and I gave him more than I ever intended to.

  When I finally got home all I could do was curl up under my covers and beg for a quick and dreamless sleep to ease the relentless dull ache that throbbed all over my body.

  The next few days were painful. I locked myself in my room for the entire weekend and slept; it was the only way to ward off the feelings of depression.

  I knew that this situation was ruining me—I had lost the person I was, and yet I didn’t have the strength to fight to get her back. I shut myself off from the world, I switched my phone to silent and refused to even look at it. For once in my life I was intent on being selfish . . . I was heading down a dark hole of self-destruction and although I registered every single one of the signs, nothing seemed to be able to pull me out of it.

  On Monday morning I got ready for work on autopilot and managed to get out of the house without a problem.

  Later in the day I called Hugh from the office. I was really torn up about what I wanted to do, but I just needed to hear his voice.

  ‘Ava, what’s wrong?’ he said as soon as he picked up. He sounded tired, half-asleep even.

  ‘Hugh, I need to talk to you . . . are you still in bed?’ I asked almost accusingly.

  ‘I’m in Europe. I landed about two hours ago. It’s two a.m.,’ he responded calmly.

  ‘Oh,’ I replied, feeling a little guilty that I had stupidly forgotten.

  ‘Are you okay?’ he asked almost impatiently.

  ‘I’m fine, Hugh. I’m sorry I woke you. I’ll call you later,’ I said, chickening out once again.

  ‘Ava, if you need something call me straightaway. It’s okay, honestly,’ he said, as if he heard the hesitation in my voice.

  Hugh messaged me almost every day for the entire month he was overseas, and every time my phone beeped I felt a pang of impatience and frustration at myself, which he copped the brunt of. I knew he was making an effort to help ease my pain but he was unintentionally adding to it. I needed him to open up to me more about his life but I couldn’t ask for it. Something had shifted between us, and nothing I did helped me get past it; in turn, everything he did just seemed to aggravate it.

  When Hugh flew back into Australia he called me and asked me to meet with him the next week when he flew into town. Resigning myself to the fact that I would only ever find out something when he wanted me to, I decided to give it one more go. I needed to feel that spark, that initial uncomplicated feeling we shared when we connected.

  The day he arrived in town he texted me non-stop, telling me his every movement—where he was and what he was doing. I found it odd, but something made me feel like we were taking a step in the right direction.

  Another first came for me that day. Hugh was staying out of the city in his beautiful apartment by the beach—the place we had been to many times before and which held so many beautiful memories for me—and he asked me to stay with him, to get away and just spend time alone together, no interruptions, just pure time-out together. He even suggested we make the two-hour car journey together. I jumped at the idea. Something was really different between us; I finally started to feel like there might just be a chance for us, and because of that I allowed myself to be open to the possibility of happiness . . . I allowed myself to trust him unconditionally for the first time in my life.

  Getting ready that evening, I felt so excited—as I packed frantically it was almost like this was our first night alone together. The butterflies had returned with full force, and I was blissfully happy. I turned on ‘Get Lucky’ by Daft Punk, which always put me in a fun, playful mood. For the first time in a long time I was listening to my happy playlist and felt giddy as I sipped on white wine.

  An hour later I met Hugh in the city. In an instant I felt myself drawn to him and I almost ran to close the gap between us but I decided to keep a little of the enthusiasm for later. As soon as I reached him he pulled me against him, nuzzling his face into my neck and lifting me off the ground in one swift movement. He cupped his palm to the nape of my neck and leaned me against the car, pushing his entire body against mine, a perfect fit. As usual his kiss was heated, passionate and hungry. He craved me as much as I had always craved him. It drove me wild and I fought the urge to lift up his shirt and run my hands down his back. It was undeniable that we shared more than just a physical attraction . . . it was exactly what I needed to inspire the confidence back into us.

  ‘Ava, this time apart has driven me crazy. I missed you,’ he said.

  ‘I know what you mean,’ I responded, fighting back the mixed tears of joy and sadness.

  We stood there for what felt like forever before he grabbed my luggage and packed it in
to the car.

  As we began our journey I struggled to control the urge to kiss him again. I wanted him, all of him. I had made my decision right then: I was letting go of the past and allowing us a fresh start. It was time for me to prove to Hugh through my actions and words that I really did love him . . . unconditionally.

  #ThirtiethConfession

  #COAMMPlaylist

  ‘Unconditionally’

  Katy Perry

  I knew the moment I agreed to go with Hugh that night that something was very different between us. I wasn’t sure if we had turned a corner or if it was something else; all I knew was that deep down inside me something had shifted.

  During the drive we made plans for a cosy dinner for two and talked about things that were happening in our lives; with each word we spoke I felt the distance that had grown between us close in a little. It wasn’t until we stopped along the way to do something as simple as pick up a few groceries that I realised the difference: we were finally in a comfortable and relaxed place with each other. It had taken us almost three years of pain and heartache, but we were finally there. I wasn’t waiting for the other shoe to drop; this time I felt like things were just as they were meant to be . . . perfect.

  For the rest of the drive we talked and talked but not about the past—about the future.

  When we finally arrived I was high on life, and I needed time to stop and soak in every second of Hugh’s presence. As we pulled up and got out of the car the way he looked into my eyes—past everything and straight into my soul—melted my heart. He had never looked at me this way before, and as each second passed in the elevator I felt flashbacks of the best moments we had shared wash over me. I knew then that I was ready to give my whole heart to him. It was the last piece of me I had left and I was ready to give it over with no questions asked.