Confessions of a Millionaire's Mistress Page 19

  He began to text me, begging me not to leave. We had become adept at hiding our texts around others. He would message me, I would let my phone go for a few minutes, then I would check it and respond before he repeated the pattern.

  I said I wouldn’t go, but after another hour had passed I was exhausted and Hugh’s friends hadn’t shown signs of leaving any time soon.

  Finally at 2 a.m. I stood and said goodnight to the couple and to Hugh before I walked out into the main foyer. On my way out I texted Hugh to let him know I would wait around the corner and he should text me when they had gone.

  As I walked outside and around the corner for a cigarette I felt emotionally and physically drained. I kept checking my phone but there was nothing from Hugh. When I finished my cigarette I headed back into the hotel towards the main desk to ask for a cab. I knew that Hugh would see me, because reception was in the direct line of sight from the bar. Sure enough, as I entered the foyer I heard his familiar footsteps cascading down the stairs as he ran towards me.

  ‘Ava, please don’t go. Come up to the suite. We’re all going for drinks, it won’t be much longer, I promise. I haven’t seen them in a long time. Please,’ he begged.

  I looked at him with heavy eyes. I agreed and limply walked with him into the elevator. As we all entered Hugh’s suite I felt a chill rush through me. I had never felt fear in his company, but this situation made me very uneasy. I think it was because I had never arrived at a hotel with him and his friends before going up to a room. Maybe it was my fear of intimate settings, but this just felt weird. I knew that Hugh would never hurt me, but I didn’t know whether I could trust these people. I had no idea why I felt this way, but I trusted that Hugh would never let anything happen to me.

  I put my bag down and grabbed my phone before sitting on the sofa. The wife sat at the office table and, as the men were occupied on the other side of the room, she began to ask me how I had met Hugh and how long we had known each other. I answered with no elaboration.

  ‘Well,’ she replied, ‘I have known Hugh since he was fifteen. He’s a real catch, but too many women try to take advantage of him. Don’t you dare be one of those gold-digging whores,’ she said venomously.

  I was gobsmacked. Did I really give off those vibes? I tried to tell myself she might just be trying to protect a friend. The way she spoke to me was wrong, but somehow I understood. I didn’t feel it was appropriate for me to say anything to her, because I knew that she would snap. I was already reaching the end of my tether and, being so tired, I couldn’t be sure that I wouldn’t end up biting her head off.

  After about twenty minutes she went to the bathroom and returned jovial. Shortly after, Hugh got up to go to the bathroom. I’d had enough and just needed to be with him alone, at least for a few minutes, so I followed him. As I entered I saw him standing by the basin washing up. He was bent over the bench as I walked into the bathroom and closed the door over. He looked at me in the mirror with wide eyes and a pained look on his face.

  A million questions ran through my head but none were able to escape my mouth as I walked towards him. I felt the prickle of tears sting the back of my eyes as he grabbed my chin with a tender and delicate grasp before kissing me lightly. I was frozen. My fear of the situation outside dissipated as my fear for us grew. We still hadn’t spoken about his marriage and I wasn’t sure if I did open my mouth that anything coherent would come out.

  He saw the concern growing in my eyes and he pulled me against his body. He kissed my forehead and held me there for what felt like forever. I breathed in his scent and tried to push the image of what I had just seen out of my head as I closed my eyes. I fought hard to remember why I had fallen for this man, telling myself that he was no different because of his circumstances, everyone has their skeletons and I really wasn’t one to judge.

  ‘Baby, please stay. Don’t go anywhere. They will leave soon and I really want the chance to talk . . . about everything.’ He looked straight into my eyes and I could see the sincerity in his.

  Despite all the questions fighting to find a voice, I knew I would struggle to ask him anything. I needed him to come clean to me because I was too afraid of losing him. I knew better than to try to understand what was going on in his head; I had never been married so I didn’t know what happened when one person isn’t happy and begins looking elsewhere. What I did know was that no matter what, the strength of my unconditional love for this man was far greater than his circumstances.

  •

  At 4.30 a.m. they finally decided it was time to leave. I had maintained my silence for the duration of the night, trying my hardest to not show my annoyance, but I was exhausted and I knew I wouldn’t get much sleep before I had to wake up again.

  As they said goodnight the wife realised I wasn’t leaving, and she gave me a look of utter disgust. I assumed she knew Hugh’s wife and the status of their relationship, yet I really couldn’t care. She hadn’t scared me off this time, and in her mind it must have looked like I had won. To me this was not a game; this was my life and my heart. I was gambling with everything I had and I still didn’t know where it had left me.

  As the door closed behind them I walked over to my bag and pulled out my phone charger, to keep myself busy. I really didn’t know how to do this with him anymore. I knew the motions, I knew where it would end up but I didn’t know where I was going to be when everything was said and done. I felt a little out of place. I still couldn’t look at him.

  He leaned against the wall in the bedroom with his legs crossed and his arms folded, watching me as I walked around the room. He knew I wasn’t going to look at him or say anything. I was too tired to fight; I was too exhausted to think, much less try to sift through the words that had to be said to find what I wanted.

  As I took off my white heels and placed them next to the bed I made the mistake of looking up at him. I could feel the vulnerability within me growing and I knew that this man had my heart no matter what, so what was the point of fighting it any longer? I knew that the dance I was entangled in was dangerous but I also knew that my life would be foreign to me without it. It was exhilarating and terrifying.

  I moved to walk past him to the bathroom, but at the last moment he stepped in front of me, blocking my way. Still no words had been spoken, but as he placed his hands on my shoulders an electric spark shot up my neck and down my spine, landing in my toes.

  He crushed my body against his and his hand moved around to the nape of my neck as he winded me with his passionate kiss. I was instantly knocked back against the wall and felt the burning desire building in the pit of my stomach. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t move and I couldn’t stop shaking inside and out. As his kiss consumed me, everything around us faded into darkness. I felt the sting of the familiar violent currents passing through his lips to mine and relished each painful volt as they resonated within my body from his kiss and his fingers that twirled my hair at the back of my neck. In that moment the currents penetrated the walls I had built around my heart, bringing me to silent tears. I felt the pain, anger and vulnerability escape me and it was then that I knew I was a goner. I was his, and he knew it.

  I had felt the desperation oozing from him all night, in his tone, his body language and of course his eyes as he begged me not to leave. Each time I remembered the moments, the tears burned harder and faster down my cheeks. I could not hate this man for putting me in this position because we were both so helpless: he wanted to spare me the pain but couldn’t bear to let me go; I was desperate to leave him and give myself a fighting chance at a love that could give me everything I had ever wanted, but I knew that a love like this only came along once. I was terrified of losing it, of never feeling it again, and my heart was breaking because I knew that I could never be the one to leave—he would have to tell me he didn’t care, he would have to stop craving me as much as I craved him for me to be able to truly stop. He was the only drug I ever needed and I was undeniably addicted. He was the one.

&n
bsp; #Twenty-seventhConfession

  #COAMMPlaylist

  ‘Let Her Cry’

  Hootie & the Blowfish

  When neither of us could breathe any longer his lips left mine and a ragged breath followed as he slid his hand up from the back of my neck and gently rubbed his thumb across my cheek, cupping my jaw with the palm of his hand before resting his forehead on my chin. I was still pinned against the wall, but we both knew that no matter how much we wanted to take things further, it just wasn’t the answer.

  We were exhausted but we needed to face whatever was coming head on. I gently kissed his forehead before throwing my head back against the wall, closing my eyes and exhaling. It was the only thing I could do to fight back the tears that were slowly, silently creeping their way down my face.

  How had we managed to get to this place where simplicity seemed so out of reach? The longer we ignored our issues the more prominent they became and the more distance they put between us.

  I was fighting the urge to pull him close and tell him that everything was okay, that nothing was wrong and just pretend, but I was too tired. Conflicting emotions were building up inside me. The biggest problem I faced was that I really didn’t want to lose this amazing man but I knew if I didn’t say something I would end up losing myself. Weighing up those options, I knew what I had to do.

  I placed my hand on Hugh’s chest and gently pushed him away from me. For a moment I thought he was going to get that look in his eyes that meant I had no hope of opening up any form of discussion, but something shifted in him. He seemed calm, scared—and sad. I looked into his beautiful brown eyes and saw a flicker of vulnerability. I took a deep breath in and steadied myself against the wall, trying to keep my balance in my tired haze. We both knew what was coming as the silence grew to a deafening roar and yet neither one of us wanted to be the one to speak first . . . neither one of us wanted to be the instigator of what would surely be our most heated fight ever.

  It was like preparing for battle with everything you need to shoot but freezing when it was time to pull the trigger.

  Hugh had hung his head. I opened my mouth to speak, afraid that the words in my head wouldn’t form verbally, but he placed his hand out to stop me.

  ‘Ava, I know what you’re going to say and I’m not going to try to stop you. I won’t deny what I have put you through and I won’t lie or try to undermine your feelings, but before I face everything, I need you to listen to me. I need you to look deep inside yourself and think about every single thing that we’ve been through—the good, bad: all of it. I need us both to cut the bullshit, and I need you to give me an honest answer so we can figure out what the future holds. Ava, I need to know: do you love me enough to forgive the mistakes I’ve made and will make in the future?

  ‘For not having the guts to tell you the truth about my life, and for being so scared of losing you that I’ve let us both ignore the distance that’s been growing as we both hold so many things back? Do you love me enough to wait while I sort out the mess I’ve made of my life?’

  He took a quick breath and continued, as if afraid that if he didn’t speak now he would never find the courage again. ‘And lastly . . . I need to find a way to make this work, and I need to know—right here, right now, in your heart of hearts—what is it that you want from me? For us? Whatever it is, I’ll do it. I’ll earn your trust, and I’ll never hurt you again. I can’t promise you that I won’t make mistakes, but I will work every single day to be a better person than I have been to you, because I simply wouldn’t survive if I lost you. You are exactly what I’ve been searching for as long as I can remember, and now that I’ve found you, I’m not giving you up without a fight. I love you, Ava. I want you in my life forever.’

  He finished so calmly I was completely unnerved. I’d never seen Hugh this desperate, this broken, pleading for my forgiveness. As I stood listening to the words he spoke with such care and soothingly honest tones, I saw the tears welling up in his eyes. I was too stunned to speak, to breathe or even to move. All I wanted to do was slide down the wall and hide my face and thoughts from the world, but there was no possibility of running from everything without breaking his heart as well as my own.

  As I contemplated his words with a heavy heart I realised that something inside me had broken beyond repair. I trusted Hugh with my body but I had never truly been able to give him my heart. As much as I loved him, there was something that always held me back. I couldn’t blame him solely for where we had ended up; I had hidden my feelings well until this point and I was just as much at fault as he was. It would have been so easy for me to grab my bag and run from the room, never speaking to him again and erasing every memory of our time together, but my feet were planted so deeply in that spot that the thought of moving in any direction felt alien to me. I knew I loved him, but two questions replayed in my head like an echo that refused to end: was it enough and did I have the strength to withstand the unknown?

  Within five seconds I knew the answer to my own questions but I couldn’t allow the words to come out. I knew I didn’t have the strength to fight the unknown—but I couldn’t leave Hugh either. Something inside me told me that if I did, I would crumble and wouldn’t ever be able to get back up.

  I knew that this was a momentous point in my life, and that no matter what decision I made, I would have to live with it.

  Here was a man I loved, offering me his heart. With Hugh I knew that nothing could hurt me but him, and that was more comforting than the unknown . . . at least I knew what I was getting myself into. I took a deep breath and struggled to fight back the tears that were so desperate to be released before opening my mouth to speak.

  ‘Hugh, I know that you really want an answer, but I can’t give you one that would be honest. I don’t know what I want from us, I don’t know where this is going to go and I’m too scared to sit here and try to analyse it. So much has happened between us, and the future is something I fear more than life itself. I feel like I’m drowning at the moment because I really don’t know which road to take. I’m afraid to tell you everything, because I haven’t even got all of this right in my head. What I can guarantee you is that I never want this to end. I need to recover from everything we’ve been through, but I couldn’t handle not having you in my life. I’m sorry, Hugh, but that’s all I can say right now, because I don’t want to make the wrong decision and regret it in the future . . . All I want is you!’

  As the tears cascaded down my cheeks I knew I was being as honest as I possibly could but that my life would never be the same. I had closed off a part of my heart to this man, and it would never open again.

  I searched his face for answers but found nothing. He took a step closer to me and I had to fight every urge in me to run. I was feeling so vulnerable and lonely as memories of everything bad between us flooded into focus.

  But then I remembered all the times Hugh had saved me. I remembered the first time I had let him into my heart, the first time I felt the spark between us and the first time I let him show me his worth.

  I still wasn’t ready to walk away from Hugh. I loved him more than I could say and in order for me to walk away something drastic would have to happen.

  The silence that filled the air was becoming unbearable, and before I could move his hand flew up towards my face and he pulled me in for a passionate kiss that took my breath away. I felt the wave of relief wash over me as I realised that I wasn’t going to have to talk anymore.

  I felt his free hand travel up my thigh and the familiar burning desire returned as the volts of electricity passed through me from his touch.

  I kissed his neck and felt his breath on mine as he lifted me up and carried me towards the bed. I threw my arms around his neck and nuzzled into the crevice between his neck and shoulder. I felt safe, I felt at home and able to keep the inevitable fight at bay . . . for a little while, at least. He placed me gently down on the covers and began to explore my body with such care that the smouldering desire qui
ckly turned into a roaring fire as he expertly found every sensitive spot on my body. He knew it so well; he was still the only person who knew how to make me let go and revel in the moment.

  As time passed, I drank it all in. How could I deny myself the love I so clearly felt when I was with him? How could I be so scared when he clearly felt it too? What was I really looking for? Did I really believe that I was going to find something more elsewhere? And, importantly, was I willing to risk all of this for a greener grass I wasn’t even sure existed?

  In the very early hours of the morning as we lay in bed I thought about whether to tell Hugh about what had happened with Nicky. I was trying to move forward on an honest note and felt I owed him that. Because Hugh and Nicky were so close I tried to put a funny spin on it.

  ‘You know, something funny happened tonight. I could have ended up somewhere else,’ I said, laughing.

  ‘Oh really, what happened?’ he said, raising an eyebrow with a cheeky grin. Here was the playful Hugh I knew and loved. I was sure he was going to laugh.

  ‘Well, Nicky asked me to come up to his room,’ I said, returning his smile.

  He sat up straight and a dark look came over his face. This was not what I was expecting and I immediately wanted to eat my words.

  ‘Don’t! Ava, that’s not funny. I can’t believe he would do something that fucking stupid. Tell me exactly what happened.’ In that instant I knew I shouldn’t have said anything. I could feel the rage and jealousy enter his voice as the room turned cold. I sat up and pulled the sheets tighter around me.

  ‘Well?’ he demanded.

  When I finished the story he grabbed my shoulders firmly before kissing me like he had something to prove. As he released me I let it all go and walked into the bathroom before locking the door and standing against the bench, struggling to gain my breath and desperate to gather my thoughts.